Every week as a substitute teacher, I come in contact with 100+ different kids. I know some of them well. Others I am meeting for the first time. They say some ridiculous things, so I write them down as accurately and timely as possible, then compile the best lines into these (almost) weekly Friday Field Notes. All of the identifying factors of the kids have been removed. Only hilarity remains.
Enjoy. I certainly do.
Me: Put your snow pants on.
Him: You sound like a grandpa.
I neglected to write any more Kindergarten quotes down, because they would all be related to snow pants and you would clearly be able to pick up on my snow pant related rage. So. That’s all you get. Spring, come quickly.
Grade 8 (Yes, I know. I’ve never taught an entire day in an intermediate grade and I loved it. It makes my top five list of favourite teaching days ever. I was delightfully surprised by the level of enjoyment. My extensive internet knowledge came in handy. Plus, no snow pant rage.)
(This interaction took all of 30 seconds.)
Him: Can I get a drink?
Me: Not right now.
Him: Please? I really need one.
Me: Now is not a good time.
Me: Not right this minute.
Him (whining): But I really need a drink!
Me: You’ll survive for the next five minutes. After that, you can go.
Him: But I have a rare condition. I will die if I don’t get a drink when I need to.
Me: And I have a rare condition where I keep saying no to grade 8 boys who tell me lies about medical conditions.
Him: That’s a very specific condition.
Kid: We had an epiphany. A BlackBerry is a flip phone without the flip.
While working on an assignment on a laptop, I hear this video playing:
Me: YouTube is not part of the assignment.
Kid: Listen. Linda. Linda, Linda. Listen, honey.
Me: Turn it off.
Kid: But Linda.
I had the pleasure of watching Christmas Shoes, a 2002 film based on that terrible Christmas song with this group of grade 8s. Their heckling was top-notch.
Guy in movie: Helen? Helen?
(Helen is found dead on a couch)
Kid: Oh HELEN!
Rob Lowe is knocking on a locked department store door. The store clerk lets him in, even though the store appears to be closed.
Kid 1: Well, why did he get in? The store’s closed.
Me: Because he’s Rob Lowe.
Kid 2: Rob Lowe does what he wants.
Kid in movie is throwing around shoeboxes in a department store, searching for the perfect pair for his mother. He’s making a giant mess.
Kid: And THAT’S how you know you’re American.
After the child buys shoes for his mother, he is seen walking home.
Kid 1: Don’t walk! Run! His mom is DYING and he just casually walks home.
Kid 2: It’s Forrest Gump all over again. Run, Forrest, run!
The boy gives the shoes to his mother. The mother opens the lid of the shoebox.
Kid: What are thooooooooooooose?